


Stay Alive

by TheSavvyGeekInGlasses



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, 19th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Fandom, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: American Revolution, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Historical Inaccuracy, John likes drawing, M/M, Revolutionary War, Some angst, oof, super gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-05-28 04:11:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15040418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSavvyGeekInGlasses/pseuds/TheSavvyGeekInGlasses
Summary: There was a light clatter, Alexander's glasses slipping from his fingers and clamoring upon hitting the floor. His eyes widened with shock, shining with the arrival of tears, and he let out a pained whisper of "John..."





	1. Half Full, Half Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John returns. Everyone's happy until Alexander runs his mouth yet again.
> 
> Unbeta'd.

John tucked a golden strand of hair behind his ear, rocking on his heels as he stood outside Alexander's door. What if he was busy? What if he didn't want to see him? He didn't return the letter to notify the man of his return, after all. He let out a breath and raised a hand, shakily knocking on the door. This was it. He'd get to see his Alexander again; shiny fiery hair, indigo eyes that held so much love whenever they glanced at each other, pale skin that showed off the peachy colour of his cheeks and the dust of red across his nose and ears. Everything about the man was beautiful. His own cheeks grew warm from both embarrassment upon thinking these thoughts without even seeing the man again yet and excitement to lay eyes upon him once more.

After a moment's silence John was considering turning on his heels and returning home, but his thoughts were abruptly interspersed when the door opened. Alexander, there in all his beauty. His copper-stained hair was messy, falling to his shoulders. His once lively violet eyes were drowned to a dark purple-grey, and the bags under his eyes from hours of going without sleep were prominent. Still, to John, he looked as stunning as always.

There was a light clatter, Alexander's glasses slipping from his fingers and clamoring upon hitting the floor. His eyes widened with shock, shining with the arrival of tears, and he let out a pained whisper of "John..."

"M-my John, you are..." muttered his lips, trying to grasp the fact that his best friend, daresay, his love, stood in front of him. He pulled the taller man into a tight embrace, hands gripping at his shoulders to where his nails could nearly be felt through the thick material of John's jacket. Quiet sobs poured from his lips, and the man at fault had little idea of what to do. He returned the embrace, albeit very confused, and grabbed Alexander's elbows, looking down at him.

"My friend, let us head inside. It appears we have much to discuss, and the chill is awful this time of year. I'd hate for you to catch a cold," John stated, assisting his friend inside the house and closing the door behind them, flipping the lock. He led the writer to the couch and allowed him to take a seat, claiming the space beside him for himself.

"Alexander," he began, "Pray tell, what are you worked up about? I seem to be missing something?" His eyebrows were furrowed in confusion, leaning down to match Alexander's own hunched position.

"I... My God, John, you were presumed dead! Shot upon your steed in South Carolina, damned to bleed out on the battlefield! I-I mourned you, and... Now, why, you're here, at my doorstep and by my side! I know not what to think..." He trailed off, and John could barely believe his ears.

"Dead, you say? But I am clearly much alive. I've been shot many times, oddly reoccurring to the right shoulder. I will not succumb to a simple bullet wound, I assure you."

"B-but 20? 50? There were thousands of Redcoats, John, who were taking their aim at you and your battalion. Is it such an unbelievable circumstance for you to perish among many of the other soldiers as yourself?" Alexander's voice was quiet, something the man rarely expressed.

John remained silent for a beat, before responding, "I am a capable man and a capable soldier, Alexander. I am lieutenant colonel, after a-"

"But you are still a man, John. Rank does not make you invincible, nor would it bring you back from the dead."

"... Yes, yes, I suppose you're correct. I'm sorry. I just... Dead? And nobody sent a letter to fix the mistake?" Alexander shook his head, then shifted his gaze from his hands, folded over his knees, to John, tear streaks painting lines down his cheeks.

"Not a word! Not a s-single damn word..." His outbursts faded to a whisper, his voice wavering at the end.

The sat in silence for a moment. John stood and held a finger up to say "wait a moment," stepping into the kitchen. After a few minutes of rummaging and pouring he returned with two glasses of wine. He handed one to Alexander, whose hands were still so shaky that he had to set it down.

"Thank you, John... I just cannot believe they would refrain from sending a note of clarification. It has been nineteen days past, for God's sake! Surely they could..." John placed a hand on Alexander's shoulder, before sliding his arm around both.

"I know, but what's done is done and we can not correct it. What's important is that I am here now, yes?" Alexander nodded in reply, picking up his glass and taking a sip from it.

"Yes, you're right, John... Absolutely, but I'm still just so shocked."

"I know. I am here now, alive and well. I... Apologise for being unable to respond to your last letter. I would love to join you in congress. I, however, will need a bit of help from you? My father's a senator, I know, but I never paid too much attention to his politics. I know my own views, yes, but if you could aid me in perfecting my way of sharing my opinions to where others might agree, that would be a tremendous help." He smiled as Alexander looked up, a look of surprise written on his face.

"I... Y-yes, of course. It would be my pleasure. Are you sure it is..?"

"Yes. The war is over, after all, or so I've heard. I am not needed on the battlefield. Now I must go where I  _am_ needed, and that would be by your side fighting for the laws of our nation." Alexander returned his smile.

"That sounds perfect, I- Wait a moment. If they thought you dead, you must've been wounded. Are you completely alright?" John nodded.

"Yes, yes, it has begun to heal rather nicely, though I can't say there will be no scarring. Getting a bullet dug from your side is much more agonizing than the shoulder, I must say," he joked, taking a drink of his wine. "I am fine now," he assured, but Alexander didn't seem to completely believe him.

"Where? John, where did you get shot?" John sighed and rolled up the bottom of his shirt and jacket, revealing his midsection wrapped in gauze. A few inches left of his naval was a light staining of blood through the fabric. The shirt and jacket were pulled back down and smoothed out.

"I am quite alright, Alexander, do not worry of me. I have gotten shot many times and I'll be damned if this is the one that takes me." Alexander had paled, before swallowing and breathing out through his nose.

"John, you have quite the terrible luck. I suppose you expect me not to worry then?" He questioned, though it sounded more of a statement.

"No, but I expect you to understand that I'm recovering," he stated with a grin.

"I know... At least stay for dinner? You deserve a hot meal without having to cook it yourself. I'll ask Betsey to make extra chicken and potatoes as we'll have a guest," said the redhead with a soft grin.

"I would the to impose on you," John tried to protest, but Alexander held two fingers up.

"I will have none of that, John. You deserve it, and I believe Betsey would love to see you after so long. Why, you can meet my son, as well!" His smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

John agreed.

 

Dinner had gone well. Eliza still looked as lovely as ever, and her cooking was spectacular as it had always been. She had been ecstatic to see him again, and told him of the letter, to which he responded that Alexander had already informed him. She pulled him into a hug, saying that she was glad he was alive, and said that Alexander had been very reclusive after he heard of the news, and barely slept. Alexander denied his lack of sleep, of course, but John knew him well enough to know better. He met Philip, who was quite the lively child. He had only been recently born, and already looked much like Alexander in face, but appeared to have his mother's hair and eyes. Afterwards, Eliza bid them both goodnight and asked Alexander to not tarry too long, as well as wishing John a safe trip home. She brought a sleeping Philip upstairs with her, kissing his head as she walked back to their room. After a few moments of staying quiet, John spoke.

"Alexa-"

"John," Alexander cut him off, "this does not change us, does it?" John furrowed his eyebrows.

"You have a child now, Alexander, you must see to him and your wife. They are your first priority."

"You are my first priority, John," Alexander whispered, taking one of John's hand. John gripped his hand back before pulling away.

"I love you, John."

"I know."

"Then why can it not be?"

"Because, it... Is wrong. Eliza loves you dearly, and now you share kin with her. I cannot interfere."

"But you are who I love, John." John stayed quiet, before taking a step back to leave.

"I love you, Alexander, which is why I can't let this go on." He left swiftly, forcing himself to keep from glancing back at his love, the one he can never have.

Alexander stood there. His eyes flicked to the abandoned glasses of wine.

They were half empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I attempted? Probably suuuuper inaccurate historically-wise so oops. Hope you enjoyed it! If you see any grammatical errors, that's all me. Make sure to comment and let me know what you think! <3
> 
> Edit: I swear I've been back here to correct things 20 times. Oof.


	2. Warm in my Friendships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alex writes a letter to John.

The next morning while Eliza fixed breakfast downstairs and Philip slept on, Alexander gripped his quill tightly. He dipped it into the inkwell and tapped the tip against the darkened rim, beginning to write.

_Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that 'till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent on the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent. But as you have done it and as we are generally indulgent to those we love, I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed, on condition that for my sake, if not for your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled into me._

He nearly signed it, but added on.

_Yes, I am aware I am wed to Betsey, and she need not convince us of her love for me, for it is quite apparent. However, my heart shall always belong to your hand, my dearest Laurens, for it is you who claimed a space in my heart unshakeable. Be not shamed by the priorities set by humanity, whom you shall love and whom is forbidden, and only look into your heart to find love. I adore you for your breach to our nation's beliefs on the subject of love. Allow me to confide in you with my own amorous connection to you, where we can hold each other closer than society might believe friends would. Walk with me._

_Yrs,_

_A Hamilton_

He blew on it for a few seconds, the wet ink sinking into the paper in permanent, drying marks. Satisfied, he carefully folded the letter and placed it in an envelope. He poured a small amount of melted wax on the lip, pressing the seal into it. Once he was finished he smiled, letting it rest in his hands for a moment, before his grin fell. John still refused to continue seeing him as they had before. His grip on the letter tightened. Had their time together during the war meant nothing? Sneaking around, without a soul discovering what they really did behind closed doors. All the times they shared kisses in one of their tents, glances at each other as they marched into battle, and touches that lingered just a little too long to be platonic when passing things to each other like a quill or letter. Did none of that mean anything?

No. It had to. He was sure John would have never participated in their shared affections if he'd not enjoyed it, if even a little. Had Alexander not proven his love time and time again? Had he not made it obvious? There had to be some reason for this aloof behavior.

 No matter. Soon his letter would be sent and-  
  
"Alexander?" Elizabeth. Yes, of course she would be calling for him. Breakfast.  
  
"I will be down in a moment, Betsey," he said, folding up the paper. His movements slowed as he creased the paper down the middle, lips tightening into a thin line. He was pulled from his thoughts.  
  
"John left a letter for you and wished for you to read it as soon as you could, though perhaps it could wait until after you've eaten?" She teased, black eyes glimmering as she set the envelope on his desk and kissed his cheek. His gaze immediately flicked to the letter, but he forced the curiosity away for now, standing and taking Eliza's hand. He kissed her knuckles and flashed a gentle smile.  
  
"Of course."

 Breakfast was quick, simple eggs and toast. Eliza had the shoulder and left side of her dress hanging down, Philip latched onto her breast as she ate her food. Alexander smiled a little, heart warming at the sight. Betsey was a wonderful mother, he could already tell. After he finished he took his empty plate to the sink and quickly dunked it in the water, setting it on the counter and returning upstairs. He sat back down at his desk and picked up the envelope, his name written on the front in John's beautiful handwriting. He took his letter opener from the drawer and carefully sliced it open, pulling out the message inside. He wasn't sure how to feel as his violet eyes read through the words.  
  
_My loving Alexander,_

 _Don't think ill of me until you think upon what I say. It is true I love you with all my heart, dearly and ever so, as I know you are aware. You had told me so every day, my love, of your desires to hold my hands and to be not afraid of what others would think, that there was no danger. I am sure I will never stop loving you, Alexander, and may never fully grow apart from you romantically, but you must know where your priorities lie. You have a wife and you have a son. You must take care of them. Raise your son to be strong and independent just like you. Give him all the love you can offer. Please, do as I ask. I love you, but I would rather we part ways now. We may remain friends, of course, but please, refrain from any romantic advances._  
  
_Your dearest friend,_  
  
_John Laurens_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to stop taking forever to update I'm sorry-
> 
> And it's short ew
> 
> I got some help with the wording on this chapter from SunnyRea! They're an amazing writer and I definitely recommend their "The War" series. It's literal art. <3
> 
> Make sure to leave feedback in the comments if you want-


	3. Anastatia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The arrival of a friend.

Alexander frowned, staring at the quill in his hand. The words would simply not come. Well, that was a lie; they _would come_ , but he was too focused on the entire situation with John to focus long enough to actually put his thoughts onto parchment. After another five minutes of simply thinking, he finally gave up for the time being and cleaned off the nib, placing the pen back into its holder. He stood and rolled his head around until he heard a satisfying _c_ _rack_ , then pressed out the pesky wrinkles in his waistcoat. He approached the mirror and tied his hair back with a deep green ribbon, tucking back any strands that tried to peek out of his otherwise tidy style. Happy with his appearance, Alexander grabbed his coat and tugged it on, then left the house.  
  
The sky was beginning to litter with grey clouds, indicating an upcoming shower of rain. How convenient. Alexander huffed but made no move to turn back to retrieve an umbrella. Instead, he continued down the sidewalk to his (unknown) destination. The walk was pleasant despite the darkness brewing in the sky, and he let his stressful thoughts wade in the forming raindrops of the approaching storm. Despite the hurricane from his childhood, Alexander found himself quite liking a small bit of rain. It cooled the warm summer air down and felt nice pattering on his pale skin.  
  
He actually felt relaxed. At least, somewhat. Still, it was a nice change from his usual business and stress both from work and his current relationship situation with John. No matter, he thought. He would get over John. He would be completely and utterly faithful to Betsey, who loved him and whose black eyes always held so much care and gentleness. That's who he would remain with. He snapped out of his thoughts when he felt a tap on his shoulder and his eyes landed on the small girl in front of him. She was a bit younger than himself, only by a few years, and had light brown locks piled and curled in just the perfect way, the only thing interrupting its perfection being the few strays that refused to stay in place. Familiar green eyes looked up at him warmly, and her hand was placed over the slight bulge of her stomach- wait. Last time Alexander saw her, he was positive she hadn't been with child. Of course, things change during a year, so he shouldn't be so surprised.  
  
"Anastatia," he said, eyes flicking over her. He wanted to smile, but he couldn't. He hadn't expected to see her, if he was honest. She lived just outside of town, and her mother generally did the shopping (he had seen her and asked how her daughter was doing recently, as a matter of fact), not to mention her father's strict orders that she followed without question. Perhaps she was shopping for the baby? But certainly not as there was no way to tell the gender with it still being in her womb.  
  
"Good evening, Alexander," she said softly, voice gentle as it always had been. "I've heard you have been well. How are Mrs. Hamilton and your children?" The conversation seemed a bit stilted, but he replied kindly as not to be rude.  
  
"They are doing well. Philip is excelling in his studies, and Angelica is learning the piano beautifully," he said with a slight smile tugging at his lips.  
  
"That's wonderful," she replied, her smile seeming a bit more genuine at the mention of the children. "And John?"  
  
"John, as well," Alexander replied, though his breath shook with uncertainty. If she'd noticed, she had said nothing of it. "I see you have your own on the way. Do you have an idea for his name?" He inquired, his expression curious. Anastatia swallowed, fingers brushing over the bump beneath the layers of dress.  
  
"No, not as of late. I am still thinking," she hummed, gentle eyes searching him. Alexander found it odd she had not mentioned a husband.  
  
"And your husband? Has he any thoughts?" He questioned, and the girl's eyes fell to the ground, avoiding the man's gaze.  
  
"I... I have no husband," she whispered. "Would you walk with me? Then I may tell you more," she requested, and Alexander nodded, offering his arm. She placed her hand on his arm with a quiet 'thank you' and walked alongside him, her other hand resting on her stomach.

She knew once they got to a more isolated area that she had much explaining to do, and Alexander knew he did, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this sucks, guys. I'm taking 3 college classes on top of my high school work now and Hurricane Michael pushed us back a month so we're all having to cram on school work. This has been done for a while but I haven't gotten much chance to post it. Thank yoh everyone who's sticking around. I love y'all so much ❤
> 
> Also, meet Anastatia! She is created by on of the best people on the world, Alex! Love you bb and thanks for letting me borrow her for my sadnesses ❤ Hopefully during our winter break I can at least get a good chunk of the next one done. I love you guys and hopefully I can get on a bit of a better schedule through the upcoming semester! Byyyyeee 💞


End file.
